GPS
"Where am I with God?" By now you may have a bit more clarity with our question. The answer may even have surprised you. It surprised me.
I got out this morning for a walk. My walking habit has been in a bad place lately. I wake every day planning to go, waiting for the sun to rise, only to get distracted and put it off until tomorrow. Well, today was tomorrow! I even put it on my to do list: walk.
The canal path is icy this January. Last year I got some spikes that band around my shoes. I purchased them after landing on my backside in the middle of Cemetery Road...not a place you want to lay too long, either literally or figuratively. Walking was slower and noisier that usual thanks to the crunching ice.
As I walked I prayed. I pray best when walking. It is easy to stay alert and to tie topics to spots along the path. I walked and I prayed. I walked out two miles, then turned to walk back. On the way back I started praying through my three audacious prayers. This year mine are rather private, not the type I feel free to share. I prayed over the first one. It is prayer I have prayed for a long time with no answer. Just silence. I talked with God about how we've been here before. I walked this same walk a year ago praying the same prayer.
On to the second. This one is new. I've prayed about it before but it is new to the fast. It is a heavy lift, one that would require God to open blind eyes and melt icy hearts. I feel a strong burden to pray it, yet I do not anticipate a quick reply.
I came around the bend toward the long, straight part of the path. I started saying words that I've been praying for months, listing the names and recounting the situation. It was then that it happened. It caught me by surprise. I was praying hard words with great intensity. Words flowed. Hard words. Spirited words. Yes, angry words. Words of disappointment and pain, frustration and confusion. I wasn't ready for it. It was so spontaneous, so unexpected. Then I circled back to the first request with a similar honest, vulnerable, raw explosion.
In the moments that followed I had a "What was that?" conversation with myself. But I already knew what it was. It was God's Spirit answering the question that I've been asking but avoiding. I now knew exactly where I was with God. I can't say I'm totally happy with the location. Don't worry, this isn't about sin or disobedience. It's about praying audaciously when the mountain doesn't budge, the waters won't part and there is no manna to collect or burning bush revelation. It's about believing God's promises even when circumstances seem to call the promises into question. It's about hoping when hope is thread bare.
It took a few days to get to this place, to get to the answer. It took some distance from the things that fill me with a false fullness.
How about you? Has the GPS revealed your location yet? Where are you with God?
Today's Prayer
Years back a wise person taught me to pray this question: What is the truest thing you can say to God right now? That might be a prayer worth praying today. See where it takes you. That question makes me think of another quote: Solitude is the place where we wait for God in the midst of the unfixable things in our lives. Is it possible that the unfixable things are the things God is using to draw out the truth of your location with Him?
Final Thought
Worship Team meets most Thursdays to rehearse for Sunday. We're going to sing two great songs Sunday! They feel a little different. Fresh notes. New voices. I was listening to this songs and knew I'd have to post it.
A Song
This is the truest thing I can say and want to say to God tonight as I head off to sleep.